Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Giving Up and Letting Go

So here I am again. It's been a week...which is actually quite a long time for ME not to be writing. That is, I have been writing, in various books...just not blogging.

So...graduation is sneaking up on me very quickly and I don't like it. I mean, I am a little excited about the actual graduation and about my Senior Banquet. That could be a lot of fun and I am looking forward to it. But being done with school? Being finished with co-op and Bible Bowl and all of the other things that I love that make up my life...I really don't want it to happen. I am having some trust issues right now. I feel like I am about to be dragged blind folded across a gorge with giant precipices on every side. For one thing, I have never had interest in college. Not that I think college is a bad thing, on the contrary I think education is one of the best things on earth. Regardless, for me personally, I have never been interested in college. Plus, I'm quite happy in my little, innocent bubble and I would hate to go to college and have my bubble popped. Which, considering stories told by my older siblings and my friends who are themselves in college now...my interest in college in sinking even further (if that's possible) and my fear of it growing. For another thing, I am a very comfortable type person. I have everything in the world that I need or could dream of wanting and I see no reason to move. That's just who I am. (Which is sometimes a problem, especially when God is asking me to do something and I'm thinking "but it's so nice right here"....but that is another story) I love my life the way it is right now. And once I graduate everything will change. I will no longer participate as a student in our home-school co-op. I can't imagine life without co-op. I will no longer be able to participate as a student in Bible Bowl. Bible Bowl is my whole life, and has been for many years. It will be most difficult to give up. And I am terrified of losing my friends. Now this may sound silly, but it's true. Because as my friends who are older than I am went off to college, my friendship with them faded...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, but it lessened or disappeared altogether (depending on the person). I don't want that to happen anymore. I love my friends! I don't want to lose the friends that I am leaving behind. I would hate to cut them off the way I have felt cut off so many times by my own friends who have gone to college. I don't want my life to change in any way and I don't want to leave my home and I don't want and I don't want and I don't want....

So...trusting. That has been a bit of a problem. I keep seeing all these things I love slipping away and I try and try to grab them and cling to them and it's gotten pretty ridiculous. So I'm going to step back and say "I'm cool with whatever you send my way, God." I want to be willing to follow where He leads. I want to jump into the next chapter of my life with an open mind and a cheerful heart and just go for it. Because whatever happens, He has my best interests in mind. He's shaping me into who He wants me to be...and if who He wants me to be is NOT what I have in mind, I pray He will change my heart and my desires until they are in line with His. *Deep breath* I know my life is going to be amazing, wherever it happens to go. I mean seriously, I'm walking hand in hand with the Creator of the UNIVERSE! Anything is possible. :) So I am going to let go of everything I hold dear (easier said than done, let me tell you) and give it all to Jesus.

And now I'm going to wait and see where He'll take me next. And I'm going to be joyful and hopeful and eager for the next venture. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but....I cannot wait for college!

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