Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Kaelyn//My Story

Okay. I promised I'd tell the story behind Kaelyn. So here goes nothing....

Fair warning, this is going to be a difficult post and has adult content. You've been warned. Read at your own discretion.

This story starts quite a few years ago, when I was twelve years old. It started at the end of a middle-school lock-in. I had only recently hit puberty and was starting to develop into a woman's body. That night of the lock-in was the first night that I was sexually abused by a boy that I knew very well. It was only the beginning.

The boy continued to find ways to be alone with me and handle my body. I hated it. I felt disgusting. And I decided I was a terrible person because I let it happen again and again. I am of the opinion the only reason it never turned into a full on rape is because we were both too young to understand how sex worked.

I never told anyone what was going on. I was too ashamed.

After that time period, or really while it was still happening, I became addicted to porn. Again, I was very young. I was unaware that there were actually porn sites on the web. My porn watching consisted mostly of watching movie sex scenes on YouTube. I still count that as porn. And to be honest, there's a lot of other weird stuff on YouTube as well. My head was full of lustful thoughts most days and every night.

The porn watching continued up until I was sixteen years old. At that point I contracted an illness and was extremely sick and unable to function (I couldn't read a book or even finish a sentence properly half the time). Because of that, porn rather disappeared from my life. And when I came out of that illness (it was a very slow process that took years) my relationship with Jesus was much stronger.

It took a long time, and a lot of Jesus, for me to fully put porn behind me.

I still have days where I so easily fall back into that lustful thought pattern.

It's a constant struggle.

I also struggled for a long time with telling anyone about my experiences. About the porn, about the sexual abuse, any of it. My best friend--also known as my younger sister--was the only person who knew. She had had her own similarly unpleasant experiences and so we were able to talk to one another about it. But otherwise, I never spoke up. I never told my parents. Never told anyone.

Because of that, it continued to fester inside of me.

Recently, very recently....as in, two weeks ago...God and I had a long discussion and I was given the instruction to share. I needed to tell someone. So I started telling people. I told some of the people in my life group (Bible Study) at church, I told my close friends, I finally--after all these years--told my parents what had happened. And as I began to bring that sin to light, it shriveled up and died.

Sin loves the darkness. It can fester there in the shadows. It feeds on darkness. Shine a light in all the dark corners and it will die.

For years it was a huge dark shadow hanging over my head.

And now it's gone. It no longer holds power over me. God helped me bring the darkness to light and I am free of it now.

So that's the story behind Kaelyn. Those are the struggles that Kaelyn is going to deal with in her book. I am so excited about this book! I hope it will be able to minister and encourage girls (and boys too) who have had similar experiences.

Not to spoil the ending or anything, but Kaelyn is going to defeat her demons by the end of the book through the power Jesus Christ.

It wasn't until I had started shining the light into those dark corners of my heart that God planted Kaelyn's story firmly in my mind. I won't lie, it is hard to write her book. I hardly go a chapter without bursting into tears. I feel her pain. I understand what she's struggling with (yes I know I'm talking about a character as though she's real...don't judge me). But as hard as it can be to write this story, I love it. I have never been so enamored with telling a story of mine. I get excited about all of my stories. But this one...this one owns my heart. I am desperately hoping this story will be an encouragement. I cannot wait to get it finished and to the public.

I love Kaelyn like I've never loved any of my characters before. And that's probably because she's 99% me. I get her. I totally understand. And my heart breaks for her.

I don't really have anything else to say on this subject.....


we're going to end like that.

I love Kaelyn.

I hope God uses this story for His glory.

I hope I didn't freak you all out with my story....

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, I'm glad that you are on your way to healing and sorry that you had the pain of holding things in for so long. I am sure the people who truly love you are glad to help you in any way they can, just as you want to help others who have had similar struggles! Keep fighting the good fight. :)


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